May. 30th, 2014

antisnotabug: ([writing] Killing 'Em)
I feel good today. Not really sure why. I mean, I'm getting out of the house for the weekend and that's always a good thing. That helps. But right now I just feel... okay. Like I, as a person, am okay.

That feeling has been astonishingly rare over the past few years, particularly these last two.

I think I have to admit I'm facing depression now. I've used the word before to describe my current state, but I never really liked labeling myself with it. I can't have that, right? There are people out there with more reason to be depressed than me. I haven't hurt myself. So I can't be depressed. But that second thing isn't quite true. I mean, I haven't really hurt myself physically, beyond the rare moment of weakness where I'll bang my head against the wall or scratch at my skin until I realize I'm doing something bad and force myself to stop. But like I said, that's rare. I'm more prone to hurting myself mentally. I sometimes think about killing myself. (Don't freak out, I'm not going to. I don't even really want to. But my thoughts get beyond my grasp and scare me.) I'll tell myself awful things. Sometimes about other people, but 99% of the time about myself. I'll say them over and over until I have to believe them. You're worthless. You're unloved. You don't deserve love. You don't deserve anything.

Life hasn't been easy. I've lost two very important members of my family in two years. I've had scares about losing the rest of them multiple times, which is pretty stressful. In the last two months alone, my dad had a heart attack and my aunt had a double embolism. I had to drop out of school, something I don't think I'll ever quite get over. My family's been suffering money problems so dire that losing the house has been a possibility and our food situation is shaky at best. I've been through the exhaustive grind of job hunting, which has only just eased in these last couple months. And even adjusting to the new job is hard, between how long the commute is and the fact that it's overnight. It's been really fucking hard. And I make things worse for myself because every time a bad thing happens, I'll convince myself that it's my fault and I deserve it.

I also create problems that don't exist. I have a really hard time reaching out to people. I've been raised on this idea of self-sufficiency, but the people who taught it to me expect every one who isn't them to go to ridiculous lengths to make their lives easier. So I've learned to push myself far beyond my limit. The idea of not wanting to burden anyone is so ingrained in my bones that every time I think I am (which is just about always), I panic and try to fix the problem. Only the problem isn't there to begin with, so I just make one. There's a lot of that with me, my worrying making me into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's an awful cycle.

I don't want to blame my parents. Even after everything, I don't want to pin this on them. But... I kind of can't avoid putting a good amount of it on them. A huge amount of the stress in my life comes from the fact that I'm still dependent on them and they can't handle money for shit. I sometimes wonder if they're facing depression too. Even if that's true, that isn't what made them toxic to begin with, it just aggravates their initial desire to be inert. I believe I'm worthless because they treat the task of raising and helping me like it's an almighty chore. They'll put things they want before feeding me sometimes. They'll sigh over-dramatically and bitch when I ask for a favor. They make it clear that I shouldn't go to them for anything. Mom often defends dad by admitting his childish behavior but then adding, "But he'll do the favor. Isn't that enough?" For a very long time, I thought she was right. It took me 24 years to realize that no, it's not, because he nor she have any right to make their children feel like shit for asking them to be parents. Maybe I'd be more inclined to sympathize if they haven't stolen from everyone under the sun, including me. They burn bridges by being completely selfish and then later are surprised when they don't have any friends left. I can't comprehend that they don't understand how awful they are to people. To me.

So yeah, that's been an issue. Then there's other stuff, like my former drug addict brother. The point is, I'm in a really bad place right now. Unfortunately, recognizing my bad thought cycles doesn't make it any easier to break them. This moment I'm having right now of being okay is going to go away. I can only try and hold onto it as long as I can. I know I have to take some blame. I did inherit some laziness from them and there are times when I don't fight the depression as hard as I could. There's a strange kind of comfort that can come from hating yourself and I do give in. I'll look for things to be mad about that are far from a big deal. But I'm gonna try and be better. Slow process probably, but. Better than nothing.

I hope this makes sense. I'm still bad at talking about this. But this is one of the steps I want to take towards being better: talking about it. For a while now, I've only really been confiding in one person. And she's been better to me than I could ever hope for. I really don't know where I'd be without Erin and thinking about that is kinda scary. But that's not fair, not to her and I'm starting to think not to me either. So this is me talking to you. This is me telling you I have a problem, a very big one that sometimes I'm scared I won't beat. If I sent you this, it means I care about you and want to let you in. I'm not trying to frighten you. I'm not going to do anything bad to myself. I just need to face that this is in my life and stop hiding it from people I love.

So. Uh. Yeah. That's me lately. Not to say there hasn't been good stuff! If I sent you this, then you've helped me keep going without realizing it. But yeah. I'm not in a good place. At the very least, for this very second, I'm okay. And I'm going to keep chasing okay until I can reach good.

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