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Jun. 3rd, 2018 06:36 pmI want to write today. It's been a while since I've been here. As is always the case, a lot has changed. I am now living on my own.
I'm living on my own.
I fucking did it. This, this exact moment of time I am living right now, is what I've been aiming for since... God, since I was a teenager, at least. Probably longer. Probably forever, in some ways. Not to say that my roommate situations weren't wonderful. How many people can say they got to live with both of their best friends? I'm so happy about that. I learned a whole lot about myself, as each situation came with its own set of challenges. I wouldn't change either of them for anything.
But this is different. How many entries in here have I talked about wanting real independence? How many times have I talked about wanting to take care of myself, with zero help? I'm so fucking happy! I come home and I can do whatever I want in my home. This space is nobody else's but mine. The bills are mine. Maybe that's weird to get excited about but I am! This is all in my hands and that feels so... good. It's a comfort. I was so scared when Erin first left, that weird nebulous period prior to moving into the place I have now. But this is so worth it. I'm arranging my things how I was in my space. I'm bringing guys over and it's whatever. (Okay, singular guy, but you know what I mean.) I'm taking myself to and from places and not asking anyone's help. I don't need anyone's help! And that's just the living situation. That's not even counting school. That's not counting the work I've been doing to better myself mentally. I'm really out here doing things for myself.
And like, it's not perfect. The commute from work to home is still fucking killer. Work itself is still awful. I'm really missing my friends right now and that's hurting my spirit. My family... well, that's never particularly great, is it? At least the immediate family. But. But. It's been recently called to my attention that I have a thing of focusing on the bad and not allowing the good to come in. So I'm trying not to do that. In this moment, it's working.
I'm living on my own.
I fucking did it. This, this exact moment of time I am living right now, is what I've been aiming for since... God, since I was a teenager, at least. Probably longer. Probably forever, in some ways. Not to say that my roommate situations weren't wonderful. How many people can say they got to live with both of their best friends? I'm so happy about that. I learned a whole lot about myself, as each situation came with its own set of challenges. I wouldn't change either of them for anything.
But this is different. How many entries in here have I talked about wanting real independence? How many times have I talked about wanting to take care of myself, with zero help? I'm so fucking happy! I come home and I can do whatever I want in my home. This space is nobody else's but mine. The bills are mine. Maybe that's weird to get excited about but I am! This is all in my hands and that feels so... good. It's a comfort. I was so scared when Erin first left, that weird nebulous period prior to moving into the place I have now. But this is so worth it. I'm arranging my things how I was in my space. I'm bringing guys over and it's whatever. (Okay, singular guy, but you know what I mean.) I'm taking myself to and from places and not asking anyone's help. I don't need anyone's help! And that's just the living situation. That's not even counting school. That's not counting the work I've been doing to better myself mentally. I'm really out here doing things for myself.
And like, it's not perfect. The commute from work to home is still fucking killer. Work itself is still awful. I'm really missing my friends right now and that's hurting my spirit. My family... well, that's never particularly great, is it? At least the immediate family. But. But. It's been recently called to my attention that I have a thing of focusing on the bad and not allowing the good to come in. So I'm trying not to do that. In this moment, it's working.
