(no subject)

Things have been rough.

Things have been really fucking rough.

I'm backsliding, in terms of depression, in a way that I never really expected to. And maybe that was stupid. As I am reminded time and time again, it never really goes away. You just have it forever and that's your cross to bear. I keep fixing things around me. I got a well-enough paying job. I'm in school. I have a boyfriend now. I have the apartment. I have the apartment, the Goddamn dream. And yet, here I am, again, crying and miserable and not taking care of myself and forcing myself out of bed every day even though all I want to do is curl up and hide under the covers. And I think I know why.

Well, part of it is just life sucking ass. The job is still fucking hideous and attempting to kill my spirit one day at a time, things with Dominic are still terrible and that's a huge source of anxiety and misery. I'm tired all the time because I run around so much, I have next to no time to do things for myself. I'm still struggling to have interests if I do have the time. Writing just... doesn't appeal to me anymore, I don't think. Maybe that's temporary. I kinda hope so.

But none of that is really new, is it? I've hated my job for years. Dominic will be forever. The flame for writing has been steadily dimming for quite a while now, even as I struggled to admit that to people who I've invested RP time with. It's just for the past... I dunno, maybe handful of months, these various burdens have gotten harder to carry. And I think... I think it's because that for the time being, I've ran out of things around me that need fixing. Sure, I could get another job. But really, I'm working towards a career in ASL and interpreting, and I'm doing all I can for that right now. I need the degree first. I need to learn, which is what I'm doing. Other than that, I've handled every external thing eating away at me. I've gained true independence with the apartment. I conquered my driving fear by getting my license (even if I'm too broke for a car). I'm, beyond my wildest dreams, a semi-successful adult.

So now, I have to turn inward. I have nowhere else to better myself, nowhere else to run. I have to get a proper hold of my depression, which I've never done. I have to resolve and control my rampant insecurities about my intelligence and being worthy of the time of the people who care about me. I have to really and truly figure out how to deal with my family in a way that allows them to be somewhat in my life without sacrificing my happiness and sanity. I have to address my weight, my eating habits and lack of exercise habits.

And this is where it all comes apart.

I had no idea how truly little I've done for myself since the first time I decided to address my issues, four or five years ago when I first went to therapy. I had no idea how much I clung to unhealthy habits, until I observed and actually tried to change them for the first time. There's an unexplainable fear that accompanies each attempt to change how I eat, or try to dismiss an illegitimate thought internally without blurting it out and looking for validation. It's actual fear, there's no other word for it. I still don't know why I'm afraid. I guess I should have known, but the God's honest truth is I didn't know how much of a mess I actually am until now. That's almost hilarious. How could I, someone who lives for self depreciation, miss how much of a disaster I am?

There's also... another problem. For all the excitement and pride I have for living on my own... I'm lonely. I don't think I've ever been this lonely in my life. Ironic, eh, with the boyfriend having. But he's even busier than I am, getting his life together, and he lives far away enough that we have to plan everything super in advance and that hasn't been working out lately. Two of my best friends had huge, dramatic life changes happen weeks apart and now they're equally inaccessible to me. (I've had more face time with the girl who lives in Japan than the girl who lives in the same city as me but had a baby.) My other friends just seem to lack time, I keep trying to arrange things and I keep getting turned down or put off. The amount of isolation I feel is brutal. And I don't think there's anything to be done about that. I think it's just being an adult.

So I'm here, alone with my real faults for the first time. I don't know what to do. I think this is a fight I'm going to lose.