antisnotabug: (Default)
Ant ([personal profile] antisnotabug) wrote2017-01-24 02:59 pm

(no subject)

So it's been a while since I've journalled publically. It's nice to do. Private journalling has developed into me hyperfocusing on one thing where public forces me to do more of a broad take. To take stock, I guess.

Life is... I actually don't know what life is anymore. Ups and downs are coming so rapidly. More ups in the last two years, which I'm grateful for. But I would really, really love to feel... relaxed, for once. But I don't see that coming anytime soon. Specifically, in the next four years.

I am so. Fucking. Scared. My mind can't help but focus on the catatrophic things that could happen with an unstable leader at the helm of the US. I can't even begin to process what I can do, and I have no faith in the thought that I could make a difference anyway. I can barely focus on stuff happening at my country's level for fears of what could happen globally. It's exhausting and I can't sleep.

But in an unexpected turn of events, fear is for once working in my favor, at least a bit. I got my permit, and took my first driving lesson last week. It was terrifying. But not as terrifying as the thought of being stranded with no escape. In related news, working on getting my passport too. I can just... see running become a necessity, and I want to be equipped.

I'm just miserable and afraid right now. For the first time in my life, I am so close to where I've always wanted to be. I'm self sustaining. I have an apartment. I have a steady job. I just need a little more, you know? A little more ability to take care of myself, and then I'm there. I'm so close. And now, any second, it could all be taken away from me.

Also work is still shit and I had to break up with the first girl I ever loved (not so much making deets public on that but don't worry I'm a fucking mess) and 2017 can jump up my ass, in personal terms it's starting much worse than 2016.