antisnotabug: (Default)
Ant ([personal profile] antisnotabug) wrote2017-09-25 11:37 pm

(no subject)

And here we are again. It's been a minute since I've been here. And again, so much has happened. Life never stops happening, does it? If I sound bitter about that... well, it's because I kinda fucking am. Which is super ungrateful, I am fully aware. In the last two months, I got my driver's license, a promotion at work (finally!!!!), and started going back to school. I should be so happy at this point, right?

... right???

Well, surprise, I am not. And it's confusing and demoralizing and humiliating. What is wrong with me? In terms of... I guess my station in life (excuse me while I suddenly turn into a Jane Austen character), I've been doing nothing but advancing. I'm farther than I was a year ago, and where I was a year ago was farther than two years ago, which was further than three years ago, and so on, and so on. This is what I've been fighting more so much since I was a teenager who wanted nothing more than to be independent and out of the chaotic environment I was raised in. Maybe that's part of why I'm so bitter about all this right now. Life hasn't stopped being chaotic. And I mean, does it ever, really? That's just what life kinda is. And the chaos in my life right now is infinitely preferable over what I was dealing with 10 years ago. But... fuck, man, I wanna rest. I want my brain to rest, for once. I want my life to settle down. I'm so fucking over chaos and the anxiety that comes with it.

There's so much I can't stop thinking about, none of it good. (Why don't we ever focus on good things?) Let's try and apply some order to the dumpster fire that is my brain:

- I'm gaining so much weight and while I've never particularly happy with my body, this is the first time I feel uncomfortable in it. I hate dressing in the morning. looking at recent pictures is upsetting. mirrors make me feel like garbage. but you know. still eating like a garbage disposal because the idea of not eating even when I'm only marginally hungry is so anxiety inducing. yay for exposure to multiple food insecure households, I guess

- Dominic. my little brother, who I love so damn much, who I haven't seen or heard from in two years. whose health is slowly deteriorating living in that fucking shithole my parents call a home in South Carolina. I can't do anything to make his situation right right now and it's slowly driving me insane. my ASL class is hands down my favorite class, but it's also so fucking hard to endure. the things we learn about Deaf culture, and the dire importance of having communication accessible to you... I think me and my family did more damage to Dom than his being born premature ever did. and every day I don't get him out of there is another day of damage. and it's my fault. now I hear every one of you saying "Ant, you can't blame yourself, it's your parents" and yeah, I know, but I'm not fucking helping, am I? I always felt some degree of guilt, but ever since I took this class, it's been unbearable. but, this goes so beyond my guilt, which I can't seem to make anyone get? like, who cares what I'm feeling and what my motivations are, there's an innocent, good kid who needs help. no one else is going to.

- my interpersonal communication class can go fuck itself. I mean, that's nothing compared to everything else, but it's worth mentioning, because it's stupid and terrible and stressing me out. my professor is primo hipster White Feminist and I get chastised every time I have an opinion. she makes me feel like a judgmental asshole and... I dunno, maybe I am a judgmental asshole. maybe that's okay? you can't stay in the middle anymore with how the world is, you have to choose a God damn stance. I feel pretty good about my stances. also there's a white boy who wants to tongue kiss the Unibomber and a mother who doesn't want to let her 8 year old daughter play basketball because she's afraid it'll turn her into a lesbian but apparently these are perfectly legitimate stances to have and I. AM. OVER. IT.

- my best friend is in a world of pain right now. and I can only do so much to help. Erin, I know you're gonna read this, so... please don't feel bad. I know I can't fix everything. this is your battle to fight and you're gonna win it. but. I can't help but worry. that's just how I am. and I am pretty worried right now. watching a friend I love so dearly be hurt so bad... it sucks. brains suck and mental illness is stupid and I hate it.

- speaking of, actually. lately, I've been afraid to take my medication. I'm becoming more and more convinced that it's been affecting me negatively and I haven't even noticed until now. my creativity is gone. my sex drive is gone. these are classic signs how did I not put that together? maybe I wanted to be hopeful, I don't know. but I've been neglecting them and I swear, things have been changing. but you know, also in bad ways. my medication gives me a stability, I can't deny that. but I think I'm giving up a lot more than I bargained for and this had been exactly what I was afraid of before I took the plunge and started taking them in the first place. I don't know what to do. not being creative has been killing me slowly, I can't not have that, I can't. but I don't know if I can have one without the other.

- work... work's been weird. it's not the worst thing going on in my life right now, which is really, really weird. but it's still pretty stressful. everyone in my new department keeps expecting me to pick everything up so quickly because of my old department and I'm not, I need time, and I need to ask questions, and I can feel their impatience seeping in and I STARTED TWO WEEKS AGO, LET ME LIVE.

- like everyone in my family is dying? that's a hyperbole, but only a slight one. pop just had his 3rd heart attack, mom is in and out of the hospital basically weekly at this point with her kidneys and dialysis, Dominic is permanently back on oxygen, Nick has hepatitis C and is basically deteriorating (or maybe he's just back on heroin, no one can tell!!!). so many of these people I have poor relationships with and it's just constantly in the back of my head that maybe I should patch things up with them while I still can but patching things up with my parents or Nick basically just opens the door to them taking advantage of me again and shit. it's so fucking complicated.

I need a break. and I can't have one, I do not have the time or the opportunity. so I guess I'll just. be over here. withering.